The Department of Justice today released this statement to the press:
"As the result of yesterday's announcement (Depansing Declared a Federal Crime), the USDOJ has been besieged with e-mails, phone calls, twitters, and telegrams from former victims of 'depansing' incidents.
'Despite the passage of time, in some cases 50+ years, victims still experience embarrassing memories of these vile and sometimes violent acts. Many sleep poorly, haunted by disturbing dreams; others suffer from life-long loss of esteem.
'As a result, The AG announces that the statute of limitations for this hideous crime will not apply. "I have ordered the creation of a special Justice Department task force to track down the felons involved in these attacks", said AG Eric Holder. "We can not allow the passage of time to frustrate justice for the victims."
'Many of these perpetrators hide behind lame excuses, such as alibis, alleged distance from the events, or as part of a group, the time-honored "I was only following orders". Some have even taken to hiding in remote locations, such as NW New Mexico, like Nazi war criminals fleeing to South America. Others have cultivated overgrown facial hair or extra weight as disguise.
"It won't matter", Holder was quoted as saying. "They can run, but not hide, from the long arm of the Justice Department."
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Maybe events such as those you described were instrumental in creating your political views. It has been said that Dick Cheney was influenced by daily depanzing in his youth and this led to his need to interrogate and demean political prisoners. I hope that your past hasn't developed your taste for torture. You were such a sweet innocent child before the bullies (Billies?)got to you. Maybe you just need to know that we all love you and would give you a hug if you weren't hiding out in Las Vegas from the bullies.
Now I know why my mother always insisted on me wearing clean underwear. It's too bad the government didn't step in and protect us when we needed it.
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